Top Ten Reasons That Link Is Not Better Than Marth

I appreciate your list because I know Link is a great hero. However, I think it is only fair that Marth be allowed to respond in his own words. The following are Marth's words exactly as they were dictated to me:

Top ten reasons that Link is not better than Marth.

1) I admire Link's games. Seems odd though, that Gannon can come back year after year after year. Maybe he gets a little help so that somebody can "defeat" him again and make a few bucks off the sorrow of the people of Hyrule? And how hard is Gannon to beat anyway? My games are known for their high level of difficulty. It's also harder for my exploits to be mass distributed because of the, shall we say, high level of strong sexual content. Not appropriate for the youngsters.

2) That is a nice sword Link has there. Overcompensating for something? Why doesn't he just buy a Porsche and make it official?

3) Link needs additional weapons. I don't. Hitting someone with a boomerang so that you can stab them in the back isn't particularly hero like.

4) I can get away with wearing this eccentric outfit because of the massive crotch bulge anchoring it. But that wittle gween suit Link has is cute too.

5) I'm glad that the Japanese admire Link so much. But who the fuck cares? Here's something else that Japanese people like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kancho.

6) Women? Please. The only lifestyle adjustment me and Roy might be discussing was who get's Zelda's pussy and who gets the ass. I swing with the best of them baby.

7) No, I'm not very humble. It's hard to be when you spend your days hearing "Marth!" chanted by legions of fans and your nights hearing "Marth!" moaned by legions of groupies.

8) Link may not play politics but his hands are just as dirty. Putting his head in the sand and ignoring the numerous human rights abuses and environmental destruction committed by the ruling parties of Hyrule makes him no better than them.

9) When has Link ever helped someone and not gotten some sort of reward in return? I didn't think so.

10) Team Smoov is much better and cooler than Team Marmar. When Me, DK, Captain Falcon and Game and Watch aren't stomping some lesser smashers into the cold pavement, we're either eating feasts or partying it up as hard as you could imagine. What is Link doing? Playing with fairies in the woods? Helping someone catch a chicken in exchange for some rupees? Rupees aren't worth shit in the land of Fire Emblem. And chickens do whatever the fuck you tell them to.

10 Reasons Link is Better than Marth

1.) Superior Games. I mean OK maybe Fire Emblem sold some units in Japan, but Link is the main hero in three games considered among the best of all time (Legend of Zelda for NES, A Link to the Past, and Ocarina of Time,) as well as several games that have won best of the year awards (Twilight Princess, Windwaker, Majora's Mask.) Who else can claim that kind of quality over time? Not even Mario.

2.) The Master Sword. Marth's sword is pretty long, maybe twice the length of his body. I'm not sure how effective it would be in real life because of wind resistance. Link's Sword on the other hand, is called "The Master Sword." Can you get better than that? Of course not. And lets not forget the bonus energy waves its able to generate.

3.) Additional Weapons. Even though Link is the greatest swordsman of all time, he doesn't even need it to beat you. He can boomerang and hookshot you to death if he so chooses. Take that Marth.

4.) Clothing. Marth's ruffled caped look seems more at home in a figure skating competition. Meanwhile Link keeps it simply heroic in his green tunic and hat.

5.) Japanese deification of white people. Marth has black hair, and could easily be mistaken as Asian. Link has clear blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. There is no mistaking who our friends in the Land of the Rising Sun find superior.

6.) Women. Link rolls with Princesses, be they Hylian or of the Twilight Realm. Last we heard of Marth, he was renting a condo in Miami with Roy to discuss a "lifestyle adjustment."

7.) Humility. While Marth thinks he's the best, Link knows he's the best. He doesn't have to show it.

8.) Political Views. Marth is in bed with the oil and coal industries. Link doesn't have time for politics, he is a one man army for the Forces of Good. What he does is necessarily right.

9.) Caring for others. While on quests to vanquish Evil, Link always finds time to do tasks to help his fellow citizens, whether its helping to collect escaped cuckoos or helping Gorons with their eye ailments. Marth is known to be a notoriously bad tipper at restaurants, and often pushes old ladies out of the way while trying to get on the bus.

10.) I use Link. Smoov uses Marth. Need I say more?

Addictive Personality: Team Fortress 2

I hate to turn this into another TF2 post, but its the winter in Chicago, there aren't alot of things going on.

Why is Team Fortress 2 so damn good? Because it's a game you can play in three different ways. First of all there is the team aspect. Team 1 is trying to capture a certain point and Team 2 is trying to defend it. A good team needs a good balance of different classes. It needs Medics to heal other players, Heavys and Engineers to provide defense, and Scouts and Pyros to play offense.

Second, there is the individual's score. You get points for kills, kill assists, dominations, captures, etc. You can compare your score just like any other game, say Countersrike.

And third, there is the clan rankings. The server we play on keeps track of every kill and adjusts your points based on every game action. It even adjusts depending on the level of the opposing player you kill.

It's horribly horribly addicting. Its highly likely that it was specifically designed by the U.S. Government or worse, an anti-Hurd 14 agency that's trying to stop our world domination.

I just want those people to know that nothing can stop us. With self-discipline and moderation, I will not let this amazing video game ruin my life. It's impossible for these evil forces to design anything that will derail Hurd14s conquest.

At least until Smash comes out.

Tangelos

This is quite possibly the most delicious fruit in the land. At least the one I had yesterday was.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tangelo

Stars!

To describe something to someone else is one of the key interactions of humanity, and the basis of communication. To quickly do so with a "star rating" may simplify the critical experience, but enables more communication and an ability to compare and contrast.

Now, as a Hurd14er, I can communicate with those about me by using my superior intellect. For example, if Smoov were to ask me, "How was that movie last night?" I wouldn't even need to respond verbally. One look, a simple facial movement or grunt, and he would understand immediately my thoughts and opinion.

But many readers don't have this level of understanding or cognition. So for their pleasure, I am going to review my weekend in star form

Dinner Friday night at Fattoush

2.5 stars out of five,

Decent Middle Eastern food, but docked for two reasons. First they had no Lamb schwarma, which would be like a Mexican restaurant not having tacos. Second the vegitarian deals were basically giant portions of dips, like hummus, baba gannoosh, etc.

State bar Friday night

0 stars. Why would I wait in line for any place in Chicago in february?

Kelley's Pub

3 stars. Totally average Chicago Irish pub with decent beer selection. They did have TVs at each table and the Celtics game was on! Bonus!

Team Fortress 2 on Saturday and Sunday

4 stars. This is one of the greatest video games ever made. Its ruin-you-life good. I would say that my sessions this weekend were ok, on the one hand, I set my record for headshots in one round! Good job me! On the other hand all the time I spent playing this game was time I could have been spending doing something involved with food or sex. That docks me.

Wingfest

3.5 stars. As low a rating as possible for an all you can eat wing extravagannza. I had to wait outside for half an hour, answering my question from before. It was overpriced. Some of the wings were cold and didnt have a ton of meat. But it was still all you can eat fucking wings. Amazing. I will be attending Wings of the World, the best restaurant I sampled of those there, and hopefully having a higher experience

My poop following wingfest

2 stars. Please refer all questions on Poop star ratings to Smoov.

Lost Season One, episodes 16-22

Im giving this 3.5 stars. I have some problems with the show. Its not the flashbacks or the secrets, it's the writing. The only emotions people are capable of feeling are anger, guilt, and jealousy. Right now my least favorite character is Michael, who always is pissed off at everyone and uses his son as a crutch to get his way or make excuses.

The weather in Chicago

0 stars. Im moving to Brazil. How do you say all you can get wings in Portuguese?

Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction

For some reason today I was thinking about an old TV show called Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction. The premise of the program was to show five different tales of the paranormal and then the viewer could guess which tales actually occurred in real life and which were made up by the writers.

Yes that's right. You could guess which ghost stories were real. From what I watched (And yes, I watched quite a few of these shows) 90% of the stories followed a basic plotline:

1) Person A interacts with Person B.
2) Person A recounts his/her interaction with Person B to Person C, only to be told by Person C that Person B died before their interaction!!!

I did a little googling of Beyond Belief and came across the Jump the Shark page for the show. Apparently 83 people out of 127 think the show never jumped the shark. 11 people think it jumped the shark at "The Crime Solving Horse". I'm curious what sort of standards the producers employed in order to guarantee the authenticity of the accounts. I'm sure they were very, very rigorous due to the fact that had there been any erroneous claims, Beyond Belief would have been roasted in the media.

Ace Detective: Did this horse really solve crimes?
Slack jawed local: Yep.
Ace Detective: C'mon man, I wasn't born yesterday. Gimmie the real scoop.
Slack jawed local: That horse solved crimes. Ain't no foolin.
Ace Detective: If you're a liar, you're a damn good one.

There's some good comments on the message board from Beyond Belief fans too:

"Guys don't rely on Snopes.com for information. They said a place I've been to didn't exist. I mean it's a good website with a ton of stories, but I've basically discovered you can't really believe their 'facts'. Most of the time they get it, but it only takes one miss to become an unreliable source."

They said a place you went to didn't exist??? I will never trust Snopes again! What sort of place was this exactly? Care to give any hint so that I could verify this myself? Or did Snopes immediately take it down after you so methodically dismantled their chain of evidence?

Welcome

How would you feel if you were present at Jesus’ at birth? If you were in the cave with Mohammed when the Archangel Gabriel spoke to him? Sitting next to Newton under the apple tree? Smoking a blunt with RZA and GZA when they came up with the idea of the Wu-Tang Clan?

Since you’ve happened to stumble across this post, consider yourself lucky. You’ve found yourself at one of those moments in history, that will be looked back on as changing the human race and its understanding of itself.

The launching of “The Audacity of Hurd14,” commences our efforts to bring the collective humor, wisdom, and all-around greatness of Hurd14 to the common man. How this will be done shall become apparent to you, the reader over time. In the mean time, listen close and take notes, and soon you may find yourself filled with new feelings of meaning and worth you never knew were possible.

You may ask yourself, “Why haven’t I heard of Hurd14 before?” Because we wanted it that way. While we’ve been planning and brainstorming for almost a decade now, we’ve waited to interact with the public until the time is right. We decided to start with this blog because we thought it was a good way to connect with the common man, to share our ideas, and to hopefully provide some entertainment.

You may also be asking yourself “What is Hurd14? Who are the men and women behind the curtain?” Well that’s for us to know and you to ponder. All will be revealed to you in due time, but for now please feel free to interact with two of Hurd14s charter members, Marmaniac and Smoov. As it becomes necessary, other members will show themselves and shower you with knowledge and humor.

For now, that’s all you need to know. Sit back, relax, and get ready to be amazed.