Top Ten Reasons That Link Is Not Better Than Marth

I appreciate your list because I know Link is a great hero. However, I think it is only fair that Marth be allowed to respond in his own words. The following are Marth's words exactly as they were dictated to me:

Top ten reasons that Link is not better than Marth.

1) I admire Link's games. Seems odd though, that Gannon can come back year after year after year. Maybe he gets a little help so that somebody can "defeat" him again and make a few bucks off the sorrow of the people of Hyrule? And how hard is Gannon to beat anyway? My games are known for their high level of difficulty. It's also harder for my exploits to be mass distributed because of the, shall we say, high level of strong sexual content. Not appropriate for the youngsters.

2) That is a nice sword Link has there. Overcompensating for something? Why doesn't he just buy a Porsche and make it official?

3) Link needs additional weapons. I don't. Hitting someone with a boomerang so that you can stab them in the back isn't particularly hero like.

4) I can get away with wearing this eccentric outfit because of the massive crotch bulge anchoring it. But that wittle gween suit Link has is cute too.

5) I'm glad that the Japanese admire Link so much. But who the fuck cares? Here's something else that Japanese people like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kancho.

6) Women? Please. The only lifestyle adjustment me and Roy might be discussing was who get's Zelda's pussy and who gets the ass. I swing with the best of them baby.

7) No, I'm not very humble. It's hard to be when you spend your days hearing "Marth!" chanted by legions of fans and your nights hearing "Marth!" moaned by legions of groupies.

8) Link may not play politics but his hands are just as dirty. Putting his head in the sand and ignoring the numerous human rights abuses and environmental destruction committed by the ruling parties of Hyrule makes him no better than them.

9) When has Link ever helped someone and not gotten some sort of reward in return? I didn't think so.

10) Team Smoov is much better and cooler than Team Marmar. When Me, DK, Captain Falcon and Game and Watch aren't stomping some lesser smashers into the cold pavement, we're either eating feasts or partying it up as hard as you could imagine. What is Link doing? Playing with fairies in the woods? Helping someone catch a chicken in exchange for some rupees? Rupees aren't worth shit in the land of Fire Emblem. And chickens do whatever the fuck you tell them to.