Top Ten Reasons That Link Is Not Better Than Marth

I appreciate your list because I know Link is a great hero. However, I think it is only fair that Marth be allowed to respond in his own words. The following are Marth's words exactly as they were dictated to me:

Top ten reasons that Link is not better than Marth.

1) I admire Link's games. Seems odd though, that Gannon can come back year after year after year. Maybe he gets a little help so that somebody can "defeat" him again and make a few bucks off the sorrow of the people of Hyrule? And how hard is Gannon to beat anyway? My games are known for their high level of difficulty. It's also harder for my exploits to be mass distributed because of the, shall we say, high level of strong sexual content. Not appropriate for the youngsters.

2) That is a nice sword Link has there. Overcompensating for something? Why doesn't he just buy a Porsche and make it official?

3) Link needs additional weapons. I don't. Hitting someone with a boomerang so that you can stab them in the back isn't particularly hero like.

4) I can get away with wearing this eccentric outfit because of the massive crotch bulge anchoring it. But that wittle gween suit Link has is cute too.

5) I'm glad that the Japanese admire Link so much. But who the fuck cares? Here's something else that Japanese people like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kancho.

6) Women? Please. The only lifestyle adjustment me and Roy might be discussing was who get's Zelda's pussy and who gets the ass. I swing with the best of them baby.

7) No, I'm not very humble. It's hard to be when you spend your days hearing "Marth!" chanted by legions of fans and your nights hearing "Marth!" moaned by legions of groupies.

8) Link may not play politics but his hands are just as dirty. Putting his head in the sand and ignoring the numerous human rights abuses and environmental destruction committed by the ruling parties of Hyrule makes him no better than them.

9) When has Link ever helped someone and not gotten some sort of reward in return? I didn't think so.

10) Team Smoov is much better and cooler than Team Marmar. When Me, DK, Captain Falcon and Game and Watch aren't stomping some lesser smashers into the cold pavement, we're either eating feasts or partying it up as hard as you could imagine. What is Link doing? Playing with fairies in the woods? Helping someone catch a chicken in exchange for some rupees? Rupees aren't worth shit in the land of Fire Emblem. And chickens do whatever the fuck you tell them to.

10 Reasons Link is Better than Marth

1.) Superior Games. I mean OK maybe Fire Emblem sold some units in Japan, but Link is the main hero in three games considered among the best of all time (Legend of Zelda for NES, A Link to the Past, and Ocarina of Time,) as well as several games that have won best of the year awards (Twilight Princess, Windwaker, Majora's Mask.) Who else can claim that kind of quality over time? Not even Mario.

2.) The Master Sword. Marth's sword is pretty long, maybe twice the length of his body. I'm not sure how effective it would be in real life because of wind resistance. Link's Sword on the other hand, is called "The Master Sword." Can you get better than that? Of course not. And lets not forget the bonus energy waves its able to generate.

3.) Additional Weapons. Even though Link is the greatest swordsman of all time, he doesn't even need it to beat you. He can boomerang and hookshot you to death if he so chooses. Take that Marth.

4.) Clothing. Marth's ruffled caped look seems more at home in a figure skating competition. Meanwhile Link keeps it simply heroic in his green tunic and hat.

5.) Japanese deification of white people. Marth has black hair, and could easily be mistaken as Asian. Link has clear blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. There is no mistaking who our friends in the Land of the Rising Sun find superior.

6.) Women. Link rolls with Princesses, be they Hylian or of the Twilight Realm. Last we heard of Marth, he was renting a condo in Miami with Roy to discuss a "lifestyle adjustment."

7.) Humility. While Marth thinks he's the best, Link knows he's the best. He doesn't have to show it.

8.) Political Views. Marth is in bed with the oil and coal industries. Link doesn't have time for politics, he is a one man army for the Forces of Good. What he does is necessarily right.

9.) Caring for others. While on quests to vanquish Evil, Link always finds time to do tasks to help his fellow citizens, whether its helping to collect escaped cuckoos or helping Gorons with their eye ailments. Marth is known to be a notoriously bad tipper at restaurants, and often pushes old ladies out of the way while trying to get on the bus.

10.) I use Link. Smoov uses Marth. Need I say more?

Addictive Personality: Team Fortress 2

I hate to turn this into another TF2 post, but its the winter in Chicago, there aren't alot of things going on.

Why is Team Fortress 2 so damn good? Because it's a game you can play in three different ways. First of all there is the team aspect. Team 1 is trying to capture a certain point and Team 2 is trying to defend it. A good team needs a good balance of different classes. It needs Medics to heal other players, Heavys and Engineers to provide defense, and Scouts and Pyros to play offense.

Second, there is the individual's score. You get points for kills, kill assists, dominations, captures, etc. You can compare your score just like any other game, say Countersrike.

And third, there is the clan rankings. The server we play on keeps track of every kill and adjusts your points based on every game action. It even adjusts depending on the level of the opposing player you kill.

It's horribly horribly addicting. Its highly likely that it was specifically designed by the U.S. Government or worse, an anti-Hurd 14 agency that's trying to stop our world domination.

I just want those people to know that nothing can stop us. With self-discipline and moderation, I will not let this amazing video game ruin my life. It's impossible for these evil forces to design anything that will derail Hurd14s conquest.

At least until Smash comes out.